Well cyberspace friends, I haven't updated in awhile and I have two very good reasons. One is that nothing has really changed and two, certain things have changed dramatically.
As far as physical things go, I'm 100% ok. My hair is intact, I still don't have periods, no sporadic bleeding. All is well.
However, I will say that I have gained about 15 lbs and I hate it. What is worse is being so depressed that I do nothing about it. I've struggled with depression throughout my life, however this bout seems to be insurmountable. I have a few good days, but then I have several not so good. I sleep constantly, I eat just about everything, and nothing is really pulling me out of it. The good days are never enough, you know?I feel like I'm just floating along, getting through each day. I have so many wonderful things in my life, but I don't look forward to them. They do not bring me the same pleasure anymore. I just got accepted to study abroad in Sweden and I just can't be excited about it. I used to get up everyday and just feel happy about the wonder that each day holds and I loved all the possibilities. That has changed and even on the good days, I don't feel that way. Also, when I was doing all the research I could on Implanon, one review stuck out to me and still sticks with me. This girl was writing how angry she felt while on Implanon and wrote (forgive me, it might not be verbatum) "I know how frustrating it is to feel so angry and not know why or where its coming from." I feel that way and for the first time in my life, I'm seriously considering anti-depressants.
Also, to be as frank as possible, my sex drive just isn't there. I'm not some crazy nympho or anything, but I do know that being this passive isn't normal. What I feel is a lot like how I felt on Yaz. I don't really get crushes, I don't really feel attracted to anyone, I get no sexual feelings from kissing or touching, and I really don't care that I don't feel those things. I really wouldn't mind the suppression of my sex drive because I don't need a relationship right now, but the depression is going along with it and that isn't ok with me.
I don't honestly know if Implanon is the problem. There is so much going on in my life, but that is nothing new. Ever since September, I haven't been the same. And that would mark about my 1 year anniversary on Implanon.
At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel very conflicted. Taking out Implanon is a serious decision for many reasons. One being it was my last option for birth control. Another is the procedure probably won't be covered by insurance. Another is that Implanon may not be the problem. On Monday, I'm going to make some calls, set up appointments and see what doctors have to say.
I'm so disappointed that Implanon might be the problem. I wanted this to work out so bad and everything was going so well. But now its not anymore. A few weeks back, I told myself that if things don't get better within a few weeks then I would get it taken out. I thought after getting accepted to study abroad, I would feel better. After I got accepted, I thought getting the all the information would help. It really hasn't. There is a serious problem and I gotta find out what it is.
As always, I will update the blog with what I find out, if things change, and/or if I decide to get rid of Implanon.
